A Dark Thought
I
always said to people when I die, I want my life to be a celebration. A party.
I want my friends and family to socialize and share positive stories about me.
Just one last time. Just one last fond memory shared among my friends and
family. I want my funeral to symbolize my life. A funeral with beautiful songs
and laughter from the jokes told. I want it to be a celebration of my life. But
I can't see that yet. It won't be a celebration or a party, in fact, it would
be the complete opposite. It would be a sad ceremony with only one person in
attendance.
I
visualize myself standing there as a ghost at my funeral. It's a rainy day.
Very hard rain. No one to been seen. No one to hear the raindrops smash against
the casket. The casket, oddly enough, is very nice. I am in a suit, of course.
I am dead, so I have no feeling. I see myself being lowered into the wet, muddy
hole. There is no colour in this scene. It is very grey and dull. No life. The
grass is not even green. Just wet and dreary. There is no sound, because no one
is there. The only sound to be heard is the raindrops on the coffin. But how
can it be 'heard' if no one is there? It's like the tree falling in the forest
analogy. Does a tree make a sound when it falls in the forest? Much like, does
a raindrop make a noise when it hits a casket? I can't tell. I am lifeless in
every possible definition of the word. I am not scared in this image. Nothing
more to be afraid of. My tombstone is blank. Nothing. It's black. Nothing was
engraved. No one to tell the undertaker who I was. Not a son. Not a brother.
Not a father. Not a husband. Saddening. A real tragedy.
Everything
in this scene is so vivid. Every last detail. There's only one thing I can't
see. I can't see my face. I can't tell how old I am. Am I an old man? Or am I a
29 year old young man? Why can't I see my face? I can't see my face because I
now have hope. Few weeks ago, it was the face of a 29 year old young man. Now,
I don't see that face in the casket. That's something for me to look forward
too. Not death, but my second chance on life. I am not giving in to this
battle. I Am someone's son. I Am someone's brother. I Am someone's father. I
will be someone's husband. That tombstone will have something on it. There will
be people there. And the sun will shine. I will not be buried by this illness.
Tonight,
I am having a battle, a fight with my illness. I feel the full force of the
storm. But I am not giving in. Not tonight. Not a chance. This is not how my story
ends. My thoughts may be winning this battle but I refuse to lose the war. This
is one bad night of many I will encounter. I feel the strength of many. I am
ready for this fight. I am not backing down. I will not give up and I will
prevail. Death, you're not welcomed here tonight. As much as you are knocking
at the door, I am not letting you in. I am too strong for you. We are too
strong for you. You cannot have us tonight, not on this night. You may tempt
me, telling me to give in. I am not. I am still full of life. I haven't had my
last breath yet.You can't have me tonight!
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
